So Where Were We?

Oh yeah, I was probably getting drunk somewhere fun, during the daytime, with my husband. And now I'm seven months pregnant and spend the majority of my time, when I'm not at work, laying on the couch either talking to the baby, complaining, or snoring and drooling all over my excess 20 pounds. The times, they are a changin', no?

I know what you're thinking....your baby boy already weighs 20 pounds???? Well, not exactly. I was doing really great at first. I gained around 5 pounds during my first trimester and then, sometime after that, it got out of hand. I was telling Cara that I was all "how did this happen?" and then I remembered the cookie cake I bought from Winn Dixie for me, myself, and I. And then it was like hmmmmm, maybe I should stop doing things like that. So I have started watching it the past two weeks. I'm still eating plenty, don't worry. I just make better choices about what I shove into my mouth, that's all. I went back to the doc yesterday and had only gained 7 ounces in two weeks, so I'm good with that.

Work has been an absolute mother fucking beast. Before I was all "yeah, I'm not going to take off the full 12 weeks. I'll probably get bored and blah blah blah." But now? Those assholes can suck it for the full 12 because that's how long I'm going to be gone. And besides, the daycare that we are sending Hayes to doesn't take the wee be-be's until they're 12 weeks, so I have to stay home the full 12 anyway. This means that I will have to work until he's crowning, but that's okay. I sit at a desk all day, so it should be cool.

I guess this is the part where I brag about my A-MAH-ZING husband (and I'm being sarcastic here b/c I hate it when girls describe their {insert object here} as AMAZING.) But really, he has been great. Cooking and cleaning the house and painting the nursery and siding with me over his mother and just really, really great. He's going to be the cutest dad eva'.

I do miss running, I miss drinking, I miss my Starbucks habit, and all that stuff. But don't for a minute think that I am not 100% thrilled about bringing Stephen Hayes Mahoney into our lives. I am so ready for him to be here and I can't wait to meet him. I mean, at least once a day I think back to the morning when I got the positive pregnancy test and I woke Neal up crying and holding this stick with two lines on it covered in my urine. Like, I never thought it would happen. It was so surreal and now I just can't wait to meet Sweet Baby Hayes and I'm sort of worried that I'm never going to let anyone else hold him.

And yes, Pero has given me her copy of Babywise and I am jumping on that bandwagon STAT. But I feel like I should be taking notes while I read it b/c I'm pretty sure I'm going to forget it all by the time the baby arrives.

So that's where we are now! Later y'all!

TMI

I went to the old Hobb Lobb (I'm trying out a nickname) Monday when I was off. I needed some plate/bowl hangers so that I could hang our 4 Tabasco gumbo bowls on the wall in kitchen. I figured that I might as well hang them because we have used them once. I don't want to put them in the dishwasher because they are so adorable that I don't want them ruined and I absolutley refuse to handwash anything, so they've been in the cabinet for the last year or so. While I was there I checked out everything in the Mardi Gras aisle and there was an adorable Mardi Gras wreath made out of purple, green and gold ornaments. It was 59 f-ing dollars. Like, WHAT? I only considered buying it for about a minute and thirty seconds (it was so cute) before I realized that I have a hard time spending $59 on a pair of jeans that I will keep for 7 years. Now I know that I can probably attempt to make this wreath, but I see it going very badly. But I may still give it a go anyway. Yikes. Anyway, I was checking out with my 4 bowl hangers and I was in line behind the biggest, angriest, piece of shit on the face of the planet. He started berating the poor checkout girl because he thought he was buying some item on sale when, in fact, it was not on sale. So he yells for the manager and tells her that the checkout girl was giving him attitude and then he stormed out. The checkout girl then runs to the back to (I'm assuming) cry. So before I leave I go up to the manager and tell her that the checkout girl didn't do anything wrong and that the guy was just an asshole. And then I felt bad about saying the word "asshole" because I'm pretty sure that everyone who works in HL is super religious because they all look like characters out of Big Love.

Then yesterday I was in a meeting and we were discussing something that we needed more info on so I decided to google it on my phone. Thank goodness no one was looking over my shoulder because my search history popped up and the word "vagina" was definitely in there. But that's life when you're trying to get preg....you feel something weird and you're all like, hmmmmmm I wonder if.... and then you google it and then it's in your iphone search history forever and I should never ever try to search anything on my iphone again in a meeting.

So I listen to a lot of rap when I run in the mornings and sometimes I like to try out the lingo. There's this one song where Kanye West says, "that shit cray." I try to say this sometimes, instead of "wow, that's crazy" and Neal just shakes his head and tells me that I can't make it work and I need to stop trying. But now I think it's too late because the word "cray" comes out of my mouth before "crazy" does. I don't know why I think I can pull this off. I am almost 32 and I have some gray hairs and I can remember when my old boss would tell me a story and say "But that's TMI, right?! right?!" and I wanted to punch her in the face for being such a loser and now I'm doing it too.

Nosy Nosy Neighbor (Me)

The pimp of our neighborhood is my 60-something year old neighbor. She is a retired teacher but she still works part time. Over the past year, I've seen her go out with a bunch of different dudes. I guess she finally found one she really liked, because his truck is at her house 7 nights a week. When the in-laws were in town, Marilyn was all "Um, your neighbor had a friend over. His truck was at her house early. Like, real early." So they're totally shacking up. Play on, playa'.

Our other next door neighbors are out of town all week. They went on a week long trip to Alaska, so he asked me to keep an eye on their house while they're gone. So of course I took an inventory of all the toys in their back yard to make sure that none go missing. I take my job as nosy neighborhood look-out totally seriously.

Neal left for work Tuesday so he'll miss both New Year's and the National Championship game. SUCKS.

I got a sewing machine for Christmas, but I haven't opened the box yet. I guess I need to learn how to sew now? It makes me think of that episode of the Cosby Show when Denise sews a shirt for Theo that is supposed to be a replica of this designer shirt that his parents wouldn't give him the money to buy. It was all jacked up with one sleeve shorter than the other and the buttons all out of whack. This is exactly how I picture my sewing projects turning out. I can see me in tears with Neal going, "Baby, it looks GREAT!"

I went to Houma today with Mom and the fam to visit my grandparents. I stopped at the ATM to get some money for the bridge toll so when I got to the toll booth I gave the lady a twenty. She looks at me and goes "got anything smaller?" I'm like, "No, sorry, that's all I've got." She then gave me the dirtiest freaking look and handed me my change. Ummmm BITCH. My coworker was telling me that she was going across the bridge one morning and got in the toll tag lane. When she got to the booth, she realized that her mom had taken the toll tag out of her car and she didn't have it with her. She had cash with her, but the toll bitch wouldn't take it. She shut down all the lanes Coyote Ugly style and made her exit the toll way and get back in line. I am 99.9% sure that this is the same hag that gave me the attitude today. I don't expect toll bitches to be thrilled with their lot in life, but COME ON.

My other coworker Cindy made some cookies around Christmas and gave some to all of us to take home. She told me that they were "ricoytcha" cheese cookies (I'm pretty sure she meant ricotta cheese). Neal tried one before I did and he took one bite and made the funniest face I have ever seen right before he said "they taste like feet" and spit them out. I decided not to sample them.

It's like 70 degrees outside right now, so I'm not feeling like it's New Year's. My azaleas are blooming too??? It just seems wrong. Our tree is still up and while I play like I'm going to take it down soon, I will probably wait for Neal to get home. But it's almost time for Mardi Gras decorations!!! And king cake!!! Whoop whoop! Happy New Year's y'all and Geaux Tigers!!!

So I Creep, Yeeeaaahhhh

Just keep it on the down low. Said nobody's supposed to knoooooow.

Sorry, I just heard TLC's 'Creep' on the radio. No lie, I still jam that shizzz.

I read The Help forever ago but I just decided to watch the movie yesterday. So I knew the story, I knew what was going to happen, I knew it all. And I still cried at the end. I hate crying at movies, I really really do. But it was just so sad and happy and emotional that I couldn't help it. Ha - no pun intended. And why are white people such privileged racist assholes sometimes? It's embarrassing (even when it's in a fictional movie).

And I guess I haven't updated y'all on Olivia..well, she's at home, back at school and she seems to be doing okay. She keeps herself occupied and sober while hanging out with friends and going to play laser tag and going to the movies and stuff like that. She knits a lot too; I think it's therapeutic for her. She's still as quirky as ever and she works for Dr. Bob (the artist - you know, the 'Be Nice or Leave' guy) on the weekends. So all in all, she's pretty good. She turns 18 in April which is just unbelievable. I think she'll find her niche somewhere and she will be just fine.

Target at 8am Saturday was empty and wonderful. I got out of there with everything I needed in less than an hour and then had to go to Best Buy. I was one of the people sitting in my car waiting on Best Buy to open at 9. I felt old. Like, when did I become this person that sits outside of a store at 855am on a Saturday waiting for it to open? I also went to World Market which seems to be where they are hiding all of the Abita Wheat beer. Abita Wheat is my fave, but I forgot it was seasonal. They took it off of the tap at the Brew Pub and it is nowhere to be found at any grocery store in or around the Abita Springs area. So for whatever reason, World Market is the Abita Wheat hoarder of south Louisiana.

Over the past few months, I have sat in on meetings with some healthcare executives. There was this one guy who was not very pleasant and pretty abrasive, but his ass was kissed by everyone because he was important. He ended up getting into some legal trouble and was fired and he has had to do some community service as part of his punishment. Last weekend I was cleaning out closets so I got a bunch of stuff together and brought it to the Habitat ReStore to donate. This person in shabby clothes walks up to me and asks if I needed help getting the stuff out of my car and I recognize him as this former VIP that has gone from being feared and appeased to being forced to volunteer at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. I was shocked. His fall from grace was quick and ugly. I mean, it was soooo a reminder that you should never treat people like shit, act entitled, or abuse your current position in life because it could all go away in a flash.

Neal gets home Wednesday and we get two whole days together before his family comes in town Friday for the whole weekend. Lawdy lawdy it's going to be a busy week.

It's The Little Things, Y'all

I got a mini heater from our office supply catalogue and it is making my life. I no longer have to wear my coat while I'm sitting at my desk working.

If anyone ever looked at our online bank account, they would notice that for two weeks a month the most frequent, repeat purchases are at the Covington Starbucks and the Dairy Queen of Yorktown, TX. There is only one 'restaurant' within a 20 mile radius of Neal's rig, so it's DQ for dinner most nights. And while I tried to give up my Starbucks habit, it didn't quite pan out. So every morning when I log in to our bank account to check the balance and transactions, there are always those two charges right there in the pending transaction section. Becuase neither one of us carries cash. EVER.

I just payed our first property tax bill last night. And I was excited about it for two reasons: 1. Because it means we own a home; and 2. Because we can pay the bill. Growing up I lived in a rental house. My parents owned a home for about 1.5 years before they got divorced, and from then on out it was all rentals. And of course money was always a big problem and my mom never let us forget it. We didn't come from a place where the parents hid the problems and didn't tell the kids about them, we were always totally aware of the financial issues. And because kids are sometimes victims of their upbringing, part of me thought that I would have those same kinds of experiences all throughout my life. And I definitely went through some rough times when I was in my early 20's and I was about the worst money manager that you could ever imagine. But I've learned from all my mistakes and so just that Neal and I both have jobs and we work hard and have health insurance and we own a house and have vehicles and can pay our bills....it makes me happy and I feel very fortunate. It's the little things, y'all.

Anyway, country is coming to town next weekend. The in-laws and Neal's sister and her kid will be at our house from Friday through Sunday. My work Christmas party is Friday afternoon from noon to three, so I will more than likely be a little tipsy when I get home Friday afternoon. This makes for great entertainment, I promise. Marilyn texted Neal last week and asked him what kind of perfume I wear, so he told her Dolce and Gabbanna - Light Blue. He then went on for about 5 minutes into all sorts of scenarios about how she will pronounce 'Dolce and Gabbanna' when she asks for it at the department store. This was comedy gold. I soooo wish I had recorded it.

I have a nice, modest garland wreath with a red bow on our door, and that's it for our outdoor Christmas decorations. A lady in our neighborhood put up the biggest, tackiest, colored lights on the outside of her house. I'm thinking of cutting letters out of magazines and pasting them on the paper (like ransom notes in movies) that say something like "Yo' Shit Is Tacky" and leaving it in her mailbox. But I think she'll probably figure out it's from me considering the face I make every time I drive by her house.

I have to do all of my Christmas shopping this weekend which means I will be fighting the overdressed, yat-ed up bitches in Target and everywhere else I have to go. And our pest control guy put a crimp in my plans because he's coming to spray the house sometime between 10 and 12 Saturday morning, so now I have to be home at that time. Maybe I'll go to Target at like 7am while all the yats are sleeping off their skinny-girl cosmo and white zinfandel hangovers.

Just Some Stuff

1. Neal gets home Friday...by that time, he'll have been gone for 18 days. Because not only did he have to work for 14 days + travel time, but he then has to go to training this Thursday in Corpus Christi. Sweet lord, by the time Friday comes around I will have his pillow dressed up in his clothes drinking bud light and eating dinner with me.

2. And speaking of Corpus...when we lived in Austin we used to drive down to Corpus for the weekend to go see concerts at the Concrete Street Ampitheatre. I remember one time we were walking/stumbling back to the hotel after a show and it started pouring down raining. We were soaked and it could have been a scene from a romantic movie had we not stopped at the Whataburger where I proceeded to get a messy hamburger and woof it down in the hotel room where I then passed out all drenched and bloated.

3. I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love 2.5 times yesterday. Ryan Gosling. That is all.

4. I took off 3 days next week and we have holidays Thursday and Friday, so this means ONE WHOLE WEEK OF VACATION! I think this is the first time I have taken an entire week off of work since I started this job. YYYYAAAAYYYYY!!!! I am pretty sure that I will wake up Monday morning, go to the gym, then come home and look at Neal and go, "I'm bored."

5. It's mid-November, 75 degrees outside, and humid as frick. Why do I even bother with the hair straightener in the morning on days like this?

6. I think I'm going to try out a gel-polish manicure this week. I've heard good things, so I'll let you know how it goes.

7. My office has decided to start smelling like vomit in the mornings now. Not sure why. It never smelled good to begin with and it's always been sort of like a third world country, but lately its been straight-up stank. It may have something to do with the fact that our 64 year old office manager has started eating boiled eggs every morning. She eats them while she reads the obituaries on nola.com while wearing two pairs of glasses (one on top of the other) because she refuses to get cateract surgery until she qualifies for Medicare. Seriously - this place is a circus.

8. And while I've still been doing stuff to the house and getting ideas off of pinterest, the whole "DIY" craze has gotten out of control. I'm seeing posts lately for stuff like, "Do It Yourself Glue." I mean, just buy some fucking Elmers for 99cents at the Rite Aid and be done with it. I'm sure it will come in handy in the event of the apocalypse to be able to make your own glue, but is it really that necessary?

9. I've started making coffee at home in the mornings lately. I needed a break from the Starbucks iced lattes. I'm sure I'll pick up the habit again, but in the meantime I'm saving $4.78 a day. This will pay for my gel manicure. :)

Work and Weight and Hair and Stuff

I've gained a little weight. Not a lot, but enough so that the pants that I've been wearing for the past 3-ish years have become too tight. I can get them on, but they hug my mid-section and it's not pretty. So I've had to go buy more work pants because I'm in this place now where my 2007 pants are still too big, but my 2008-2010 pants are too small. I have to wear ugly blue uniform shirts to work Monday thru Thursday, so my pants options are limited. And when in the hell did the gap stop selling everyday khakis? I don't understand. I now have to go to Old Navy to get my khakis, and they don't fit nearly as well as Gap pants do. There is a J Crew outlet in Mississippi that I only go to about twice a year, so I will have to hold off on my major khaki purchase until then. PS - The word 'khaki' looks weird when you type it over and over.

I also bought some comfortable work shoes - they're clogs. Like, brown clogs. The kind that you see nurses and chefs wear. They make me feel tall(er) because they've got thick soles. I think they're a little butch, but holy shit are they comfortable. I've worn them everyday this week because wearing comfortable shoes to work makes my day better.

And this whole weight gain thing? I mean, I'm still doing the gym thing four days a week. I'm starting to think that I've plateaued with the running; but I can't get up any earlier than I already do to get to the gym to run longer, so it is what it is. I also think the weight gain may have something to do with Neal going to a 14 and 14 schedule earlier this year. I eat so differently when he's gone and when he's home and I think my body was used to 7 and 7. Eating like crap for 7 days in a row while he's home is probably not as damaging as doing it for 14 days in a row. And once I gain weight, it's so freaking hard for me to take it off.

ANYway, I got my hair trimmed Tuesday and my hairdresser told me she was 14 weeks pregnant. I feel like the only non-mom on the planet. She is 28 and has been married for 6 months and she is very sweet, but she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. I kind of miss my NOLA hairdresser, Charlotte. Charlotte is about my Mom's age and I have always wanted to be her. She's so cute and always wore the best clothes and I think it would be so great to just hang out in my Magazine Street salon all day and gossip and drink PJ's and be quirky and fashionable. Instead I'm wearing blue uniform shirts with lesbian shoes and reading policy everyday. (No, serisouly I love my job but sometimes I think it would be nice to just gossip all day long uptown while wearing expensive jeans and $60 t-shirts from Gae-Tana's.)

And while I'm thinking about moms and hair and stuff, I realized that if I ever get pregnant and have a girl that I will have to learn how to fix hair! I can't fix my own hair, much less someone elses. Is there a class that teaches you how to do this? The thought of this makes me very nervous.

Oh, and don't laugh but I recently finished a book called The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques: Understanding How Your Brain Makes You Anxious and What You Can Do to Change It and it was very helpful. I skipped over some of the parts that either did not apply to me or were too science-y, but the explanations on how the brain works and the relaxation/thought control techniqes she taught were worth the read.